We all laugh at "Bad Santa" and "Santaland Diaries" but what about when the kids are bad? Read these 20 hilarious stories about how messed up it is to be a mall Santa!
I answered the letters that kids would write to Santa once, and a kid asked for a remote control buffalo. I don't blame him for wanting one. I'd play with that.
About a 1/2 dozen kids asked for fax machines. This was in 1989. I'm pretty sure they had no idea what they were. I had no idea what they were.
My favorite moment was when a kid asked for a live octopus or shark. Santa said he wasn't sure if his elves would be able to make those. Kid said he'd settle for a giant squid if he had to.
One kid asked for a new liver. Apparently he was healthy, just wanted one "to play with and stuff."
A little boy who looked about 8-9 ask for a box of condoms since his mom wouldn't buy them for him.
My nephew couldn't pronounce piglet correctly; it always came out as pigpiss. So my nephew asked Santa for a pigpiss costume. He didn't know what my nephew was trying to say and eventually just said, "I'll get you pigpiss."
A unicorn that poops rainbows.
Santa's factory; 6 years old and he already knew the game.
The toughest was having a little girl wanted her father home from prison.
Once as I was working an Indian couple asked me to bless their new born baby.
A terminally ill little girl (cancer) got wheeled in and asked for her hair back.
"A penis book" Turns out he couldn't pronounce "Peanuts" correctly.
The other day he was asked for clock parts. Some little fella wanted to build his own clock.
My nephew is 4 years old. He runs up, jumps into Santa's lap and says I want "wots of fucks". Santa kept his composure and knew he meant trucks but it was still hilarious.
One of the younger students asked for a military costume, a unicorn, sugar cookies, and pickles. Santa asked him if he liked pickles a lot, and he got very indignant and said, "No, not for me. Unicorn food!"
My buddy worked as a mall santa and quit after one day. He enjoyed two kids punching him in the balls, one baby vomiting on his chest, and one kid pissing his pants while sitting in his lap. It soaked through and he felt it, warm and wet on his thigh.
My brother brought his puppy to a mall Santa last year (he wanted it to be his Christmas card). The dog peed on Santa and tried to pull his beard off, which caused several kids in line to scream and cry.
A little girl asked for a lifetime supply of peanut butter so her dog would lick it off her face forever.
This like 6 year old little blonde kid asked Santa for a puppy with no legs and leave it at their door so he could name it Matt.