A 36-year-old Benton City man unsuccessfully tried to rob a bank and he seemed to do EVERYTHING wrong. If you're going to commit a federal crime, GET A CLUE! Here are the five biggest mistakes he made:

1. Don't poop where you eat! If you live in a tiny, tiny place like Benton City, don't rob the bank in Benton City! Go ANYWHERE else!

2. WEAR A MASK! Even if you drive to Yakima or Portland to rob a bank, wear a mask. But if you rob the one in your own tiny, tiny town, WEAR A MASK!

3. Make yourself hard to identify. Cover up tattoos, wear something over your hair. Wear sunglasses, etc. IF YOU HAVE A CAST ON YOUR ARM, DON'T ROB A BANK!

4. If you don't have a weapon of any kind, LIE! Tell them you have a bomb or a dangerous disease or SOMETHING!

5. Be the toughest guy in the room. Don't rob a bank when there's someone in the lobby who can beat you up ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!

No. 1 most important lesson for all humanity ever: DON'T ROB BANKS, GET A JOB!!!