If you're sad about the end of summer, allow me to cheer you up.

  • 1

    The Pirate

    A sailor orders a drink at a bar then looks to his left and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The sailor asks how he lost his leg. "Arrrr... a gator bit off me leg while burying gold in Florida." He asks next how the pirate lost his hand. "A shark bit me hand off while I was throwing the gator into the sea." Amazed at the pirate's bravery, he asked how he lost his eye. "A seagull shit in me eye." The sailor was shocked and asked, "A bird shit in your eye and you lost it?" The pirate said, "It was my first day with the hook."

  • 2

    The Lifeguard

    Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? Because "He was too far out, man"

  • 3

    Clean Dirty Joke

    A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

  • 4


    What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?


  • 5

    The Titanic

    *read this one out loud:

    How do you think the unthinkable?

    With an itheberg.

  • 6

    The Viking's Saddle

    A hulking, godlike norse warrior stops his horse on the top of a hill, looks to the heavens, and bellows "I AM THOR!"

    His horse turns to him and says "Well that's becauth you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

  • 7

    The Boss

    Building a new home the construction crew digs up a lamp with a genie in it. He grants each worker one wish. The first asks to go to Las Vegas and *POOF* he disappears. The next asks to go to the Bahamas, the next to Hawaii, the next to Paris... on and on until the only one left at the job site is the supervisor. The genie asks what he'd like and he says, "I want them all back here tomorrow morning."

  • 8


    What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs?

    A condescending con descending.

  • 9


    "What noise does a giraffe make while throwing up?"

    [make a really long barfing noise]

  • 10


    A grasshopper sits at a bar and the bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you!"

    The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

  • 11


    What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

    Well, the flag is a big plus!